Behind The Blog #39; Love is in the Air

I want to start this post by apologising for its lateness, real life just took control, unfortunately! But here it is!

This topic is actually one that’s quite hard for me to write about (and I chose it!), mostly because I’m not a very open person but also because I know that there are people I know who may stumble across this blog and read it. But, I’m going to try my best and see what I can do to write this post without mentioning names or coming out of my comfort zone with it. I apologise if it’s not as open as other posts for BTB have been.

Love, for me, is an abstract concept, one that I have never truly been able to grasp. I want to believe that I have fallen in love before, but when I think back over things now, I struggle to see that it ever happened to me, or if it did, it was never the kind of love you read or watch. I’ve never been so smitten with someone that I simply HAD to see them every day and every moment of every day or I would simply not be able to continue on with my life, I’ve had moments where I have truly enjoyed the company of another person and definitely prefer to be by their side and in their prescence than to be alone but not to the point where I would die without them by my side. That type of love, that strong desire and need is actually something that petrifies me.

I am a very independent person. It is the one characteristic that I have always loved, I don’t need anyone to do things for me, I don’t need them to be there or to help me ALL the time, and a lot of the time I would rather be on my own than with other people anyway. It sometimes gets to the point where I’m alone and want to be with people but then as soon as I am with people, I crave my own company again. So the simple idea of falling in love with someone and needing them ALL the time just… terrifies me. I cannot imagine that I could ever need someone that way, I’m not sure I could ever let myself get to that point because what happens when they walk away? Or worse yet, die? I don’t want to become dependent only to crumble at the thought of being independent again. But I also just don’t know how to be dependent, I really, really, don’t.

That is why it never would have worked between me and my ex, because he was a very dependent person, and he dependended on me to be there for him, to talk to him, to comfort him, to love him, and I tried, I really did, but in the end, it was too much for me. When you put an extremely dependent person and an extremely independent person in a relationship, you just have to understand that it will never work out the way that you wish it too. I think to a point, that I did love him, but I just never loved him as much as he loved me and that put a rather large strain on the relationship to the point that I felt suffocated and simply couldn’t deal with that overpowering feeling anymore. It was too much for me and it probably always will be.

How has this affected my life?

I am not that person who goes looking for love. I don’t go out there wanting to find someone to share my life with, but it also means that when I do have feelings for someone I rarely act on them because I fear that it will all go wrong and I’ll lose the person as a friend anyway. I’m certain that at one point in time I may find someone who, perhaps, is just as independent as me and we’ll fall in mutual like with each other and be able to spend time together simply because we’re comfortable doing so, but I hold no preconceptions on true love, my mind simply struggles to comprehend the symbolism of it all. Maybe someone will come along and change everything for me, but for now, I will continue to be my independent self, floating through life as I like without having to worry about how my actions will affect the other half in my life.

And now we all understand why I’m particular about the romance books I read, aren’t we? ;)

In relation to books, there are so many out there that have amazing romantic moments, ones that show the real way relationships work and affect their lives but here are just a few examples of recent books I have read.

Seraphina by Rachel Hartman; There is a really interesting relationship between Seraphina and Prince Lucien in this book.
Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas; Before the start of this book, in the novellas, Caelena falls in love and the loss of that love destroys her, so what happens when she starts to fall once more?
The Iron Knight by Julie Kagawa; He is the ice Prince, destined to have a cold heart and to never truly love. But then he meets Meghan.
Insurgent by Veronica Roth; Their relationship in this book goes through some trials and tribulations and shows just how complicated relationships can be.
The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen; This book shows how being with the wrong person can have such a negative effect on your life.

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